Let's pretend this never happened: (a mostly true memoir)

I was a three-year-old arsonist

My childhood: David Copperfield meets Guns & Ammo magazine

Stanley, the magic talking squirrel

Don't tell your parents

Jenkins, you motherfucker

If you need an arm condom, it might be time to reevaluate some of your life choices

Draw me a fucking dog

And that's why Neil Patrick Harris would be the most successful mass murderer ever

No one ever taught me couch etiquette

Just your average engagement story

It wasn't stew

Married on the Fourth of July

There's no place like home

A series of helpful post-it notes I left around the house for my husband this week

The dark and disturbing secrets HR doesn't want you to know

If you see my liver, you've gone too far

My vagina is fine. Thanks for asking

Phone conversations I had with my husband after I got lost for the eighty thousandth time

Introduction

I was a three-year-old arsonist

My childhood: David Copperfield meets Gun & Ammo Magazine

Stanley, the magical talking squirrel

Don't tell your parents

Jenkins, you motherfucker

If you need an arm condom, it might be time to reevaluate some of your life choices

Draw me a fucking dog

That's why Neil Patrick Harris would be the most successful mass murderer ever

No one ever taught me couch etiquette

Just your average engagement story

It wasn't stew

Married on the fourth of July

There's no place like home

Series of helpful post-it notes I left around the house for my husband this week

Dark and disturbing secrets HR doesn't want you to know

If you see my liver, you're gone too far

My vagina is fine: thanks for asking

Phone conversation I had with my husband after I go lost for the eighty thousandth time

Then I go stabbed in the face by a serial killer

Thanks for the zombies, Jesus

Making friends with girls

I am the Wizard of Oz of housewives (in that I am both "great and terrible" and because I sometimes hide behind the curtains)

Psychopath on the other side of the bathroom door

Open letter to my husband, who is asleep in the next room

Just to clarify: we don't sleep with goats

Stabbed by chicken

It wasn't even my crack

Honestly, I don't even know where I got that machete: a comic tragedy in three parts days

I'm going to need an old priest and a young priest

That's why you should learn to pick your battles

Hairless rats: free for kids only

Then I snuck a dead Cuban alligator on an airplane

You can't go home again (unless you want to get mauled by wild dogs)

Epilogue

End (sort of)

True facts

Bonus Chapter: There's a serious lack of prostitutes on this tour

Acknowledgments

Readers guide.